This story is graphic in its detail and those who have survived sexual assault may wish to skip this bit and start reading again at the row of asterisks.
*
*
*
*
*
I was friends (unfortunately only briefly) with a beautiful and sweet woman when I first attempted university. I noticed that she had a scar on her neck and I didn't ask her about it because that was impolite and I assumed that it was probably surgical in nature.
During one of our physics practials, after we'd known each other for a while, she told me I should ask her how she got the scar on her neck sometime. So I asked. She told me that she had had her throat slit and was raped.
Her story was horrifying, she was walking home from school and was walking along the bank of the river that cut through the town, as this was a well used path, very public and usually very safe. She heard someone walking behind her, turned and saw a man walking some distance back. As it was a public place, she didn't worry and when she heard him approach, thought that he was overtaking her.
Instead he grabbed her, cut her throat and she passed out from the blood pressure loss. Fortunately for her, her attacker was inept and only severed one of her arteries and nicked the other. As she fell unconscious with her head forward it stemmed the blood loss. At one point she regained consciousness and struggled with her attacked and managed to cause him some injury.
She again fell unconscious and was found by two young school boys walking home. They raised the alarm and she was taken to hospital, where she spent quite a bit of time, and made - as much as you can - a full recovery.
*
*
*
*
*
*************************************
Ok, in summary rape is a terrible thing and the reason I told the story above is that like most terrible things, there are degrees. I was raped by my boyfriend when I was 16 - it wasn't violent just coersive. I stayed with him for another 3 years and it was an emotionally abusive relationship, because I couldn't see any other option - at that time. However, I would never compare my rape with that of my friend above.
Like common assault where it can range from being spat upon through to being punched, there are degrees of sexual assault. I'm not demeaning mine or anyone else's experience, I'm just stating that there are degrees - and in my opinion, anyone who tells you that all rape is the same is demeaning my friend's experience and elevating mine to something nonsensical.
Apart from stating that there are degrees of sexual assault, some worse than others, the main thrust of this post is about what happens next. Physical wounds heal, the body regenerates as much as it can and can leave physical reminders of what happened, but often its the psyche that takes the longest to heal - and that is perfectly understandable.
Sexual assault - whether it be by someone you know and trust, or by a complete stranger, is a terrible thing to experience and the shame, disempowerment and soul damage that survivors experience is really hard.
How do you move on after such a terrible thing has happened? For me, and for my friend I believe, it was a case of not letting that event define us. I am so much more than that one event. I am someone who has survived rape and sexual assault, but that's only a small part of who I am. I don't want to let that define who I am, when I know that that is only one of the many experiences in my life that make me who I am.
I was lucky in that the date-rape that I survived was relatively minor on the scale of rape and sexual assault. It was easier for me to move on and grow into the person that I have become. My new partner, when I eventually left that relationship, was incredibly supportive and understanding.
For my friend, she turned to her faith and that helped her, as did an incredibly supportive family and friends network. She was determined to move on, even though she would bear the physical scars for the rest of her life.
Finding the key that helps you move on is important, whether it be travelling, religion, counselling, study, family, friends or other healthy relationships. Your state of mind about how the universe and you interact is also important I believe.
Life is unfair, that is something that we all need to accept and bad things do happen to good people, but doing your best to be a full and complete person, to be the entire sum of all your experiences and not the sum of the negative experiences, is important.
