This question came up on a poly email list that I am a member of recently, and I thought I'd share my own stories about it as well as general discussion about it. I posted a link from "Ask Richard" recently that also has some good comments regarding ultimatums, so have a read of that also.
Anyway, ultimatums...
Early on in my life, when I was starting relationships with other people, I ended up in a relationship with two different boys. One of them gave me the classic ultimatum, "choose". I didn't like it then, but felt obliged to because no one at all had multiple partners... I ended up choosing the guy who issued the ultimatum, which in the end wasn't the wisest decision I had made.
Many years, and in a different relationship, later I issued an ultimatum. I told my partner, who had been suffering clinical depression for 9 years, that he had to now get help/treatment or I'd leave. I was beyond my ability to cope with the depression any longer and couldn't do it on my own any more, as I had been. It was at this point where I knew that if my partner didn't get help I genuinely would leave the relationship for my own sanity and well being. I wasn't making an idle threat, I was being honest about the state of affairs as far as I was concerned, and I had made mental plans about what to do if my partner didn't seek treatment.
So my ultimatum was more a statement of facts about how I felt at that time. Thankfully he went and sought treatment and we're still together. He realised that I was telling him how the world was shaped for me at that time, and knew that his options were to seek treatment (which he knew he needed) or say goodbye to me.
I personally hate issuing ultimatums. I don't want to have to force people to choose one course of action over another or one person over another. They really are the last resort for me and I'll try everything else before I go close to an ultimatum, and sometimes I'll just walk away rather than make the ultimatum.
As AskRichard said, you have to really mean it when you issue an ultimatum. You have to be prepared to do the "or else" bit of it. You can't issue and ultimatum and then have the individual/s not do what you asked for and then fail to follow through with the "or else" part because that undermines your own credibility and could suggest that you issue threats to try to get your own way, not because of any genuine reason (such as being unable to cope with a certain situation).
Anyway, here are some other thoughts about ultimatums (identifying features from those who made the comments have been removed):
Person 1
Ultimatums. (e.g. "Do this or I won't do that.")
Generally I avoid them like the plague - likening them to bringing a knife into the relationship ("cut me or I'll cut you!"). I'm aware this is an exaggeration, but people tend to get into a habit of putting up with them until they get to that level of importance emotionally.
I'm also very careful to be aware of "couched" (aka "slippery") ultimatums. (e.g. "You can do this, but if something else happens, then I'll do that.")
I see them as a discussion-stopper; something to end a discussion without really understanding the other person's point of view or empathising with them. I may go so far as to say that ultimatums can be seen as dehumanising the person you're attempting to ultimatum. If
you give someone an ultimatum, then you're effectively lowering them to the level of someone who's only purpose is to do everything your way. The compromise has ended, then communication has ended.
Obviously, the importance of the issue in contention has a great effect. Usually people become acutely aware of them, tho, when they're used in a "final" or great sense, or when the cause and effect is greatly imbalanced. e.g. "Don't talk to him again or I'll dump you."
Whereas "Stop eating that ice cream or our baby will die" is obviously imbalanced in the other direction.
When people give ultimatums, it's usually a miscommunication. What they're really trying to say is "That would hurt me really badly." The next question I'd ask in that situation is "Why would that hurt you really badly?"
The problem I've always had with ultimatums is that most people don't really know. It's usually a response to something that happened a long time ago (e.g. childhood experiences, early relationship failure, etc.) combined with a strong insecurity that makes them want to control the
situation. But by the time they get to dishing out an ultimatum, they're usually too upset to consider that they themselves could be overreacting. "You're wrong, you're damn wrong, and you should be made to feel the pain I did!"
I know that alot of this is generalisations (as most of my discussions tend to be - I tend to think big all the time).
In my experience, the times I myself have issued ultimatums, I've regretted them very shortly afterwards, even going back to people and apologising and explaining myself - somewhat embarrassingly.
Most of the ultimatums I've experienced, however, have come from other people. I seem to be the person people want to control, even though I tend to be more committed to things than the average male.
What do people think?
How do you help (diffuse?) someone who's worked themselves up to an ultimatum?
Distinct categorisation tends to fuel this, I find. e.g. "You can't be in a poly relationship with someone who's mono." How do you convince someone that there's overlap when they don't see it, or don't believe it?
Do you walk away and hope the person realises they've made a terrible error of judgement?
What do you do if the person is totally and utterly convinced that there are only two options?
Person 2
Why would you want to convince somebody of something they have decided isn't there?
If somebody delivers an ultimatum, what I see them saying is "You have challenged what I currently see as an absolute value" or "I cannot budge from this value at this time"
Who are we to take away somebody's personal values? We can challenge values, offer alternative values, present a case for our own values - most importantly ensure they are seen as individual values and not enshrined in law.
Its sort of like trying to convince and atheist that deities exist, or convince a religious person that they don't. Why?
Taking it back to polyamory - the statement "You can't be in a poly perosn with someone who is mono" is perfectly legitimate - for the person who believes it. What they are saying is "I can't be in a relationship with somebody who is not the same as me." Doesn't mean the statement is true for everyone - but it is true for them, and should be honoured. It mightn't be true tomorrow, it mightn't have been true yesterday - but RIGHT NOW the statement is their personal truth.
I would accept an ultimatum as "Right now I won't be budging on this thought/idea/value/condition." Then, being the hard faced bugger that I am, I'd probably do what I like anyway, and take the rap.
Person 3
On a slightly different note on ultimatums:
One thing I've recently worked out is that an ultimatum does not force me to choose anything. Just because someone else has communicated what decision they currently intend to make at a future date does not mean that I have to do anything at all in the present.
Even if there is no (intended) bluff factor, ultimatums do limit the issuer's future possible action, but they don't limit mine in any way.
The issuer is in effect forcing themselves to decide a certain way while I am able to use this new information (including bluff weighting) and change my actions or continue on with default actions (ie, pretending the ultimatum was not issued at all).
I believe that a lot of the power in an ultimatum comes from: "A or B. YOU choose."
There can be a C (or many of them). Or a D: the ultimatum can be ignored.
What I've written hopefully works in theory. It's a shitty situation to be in in actuality.
Person 4
An ultimatum can be a threat, and that's probably a bad thing. But something that might be readable as an ultimatum could also be a straightforward statement of boundaries: "this situation/behaviour is not something I can live with". Which I'd say is information that it's
reasonable to want to convey.
For example: say you have a partner who gets abusive when they're drunk, but nevertheless keeps getting drunk. To say "I'm not prepared to keep putting myself in this situation" could be read as an ultimatum. But it's also a valid position to hold; and you might well want to say that
to your partner before upping sticks and leaving. (Whether saying it will/would change anything is of course another matter.) That's a fairly extreme example, but in general I think that one is entitled to decide what you can or can't live with, and that explaining that to people affected by it is legit. To say "ultimatums are bad!" can end up as another way to shut people down.
Person 5
To come at this from a sort of side angle:
I think that ultimatums are often (as you say) about expressions of pain.
It seems to me that they can also embody personal boundaries, and in fact often do.
Whether a person is saying in effect, "If you cross this line, you will cause me intolerable pain" or "If I remain in relationship with you after you cross this line, I am transgressing my personal integrity", there may still be a boundary there that has to be accepted. In my experience, if a matter of personal integrity is involved, the person giving the ultimatum is often calmer and more centered, and will be consistent with their boundary over a long period of time.
I think that, whether they are expressive of painful damage or of clearly defined personal boundaries, ultimatums should be treated with respect. (If a person habitually (and inconsistently) issues ultimatums on many issues, of course, it's probably an inappropriate means of controlling things, but in my experience that is uncommon.
I'm not meaning to say that once an ultimatum has been issued that it can't be explored. A request for explanation and understanding is reasonable, especially if you feel harshly constrained by the ultimatum.
Pain issues can be worked on, but only with mutual agreement about process. Personal boundaries of integrity can change over time, although they may not. But the control of that exploration needs to be in the hands of the issuer, and the ultimatum perhaps needs to be accepted as a valid expression before it can be explored.
So...
So, there are lots of different ideas about ultimatums in relationships. My personal advice is that they are last resort things and that all other issues should have been explored with good communication techniques before it comes to issuing an ultimatum.
What do you think?
02 October 2009
22 August 2009
A couple of interesting blog posts on polyamory
Both are from The Friendly Atheist.
The first post is about methods to deal with a religiously conservative family's reaction to news about polyamory. The second is about polyamory (mostly US focused but relevant elsewhere) and civil rights for poly people.
Enjoy
The first post is about methods to deal with a religiously conservative family's reaction to news about polyamory. The second is about polyamory (mostly US focused but relevant elsewhere) and civil rights for poly people.
Enjoy
27 May 2009
So is polyamory scary?
Well I think it depends on what you are afraid of, and fear is not necessarily a bad thing, though it can be inhibiting.
Social conventions
Breaking with social conventions and expectations can be a terrifying thing for some people. The fear that you could be targeted by those who disagree with anyone breaking social mores is valid, however, with poly communities in much of the Western world, you'll not be alone in deciding to live differently to social convention.
What to do about such fear? Well I'd recommend finding a poly community and talking to them about identification issues and safety, and how they deal with it in their local area.
There are poly communities in Australia, the United States, the UK, Canada, South Africa, France, Portugal, Mexico, Denmark, Austria, Germany, Netherlands, the Philippines, Spain, Switzerland and Sweden just to name a few (http://www.polyamorysociety.org/localgroups.html and http://www.polyamory.org/SF/groups.html ).
Many of the poly people I know don't disclose their lifestyle choices beyond their immediate circle of intimates, some may extend that to family and friends, but not many people publicly identify as being poly. I suspect that this may be because of a lack of good poly role-models, and some of this being due to the whole poly concept being relatively new as far as social movements go.
So, apart from bigotry and in some very conservative communities the risk of losing your employment and children, what else have you to fear?
Hurt
Some people, and I've been amongst them, are afraid that with the increased number of relationships is the increased potential for break ups and hurt occurs. To put it simply, yes that is true.
But what this simple explanation does not take into account is that with the increased number of relationships, there is an increased amount of support, and that for those who join a poly community, exist another support network, because most of them have been through it too at some point.
Remember, even monogamy is a world of hurt and break up, very few people marry the first person they dated. It is very different being involved in one break up and yet having another deeply happy and loving relationship existing to return to, and to be able to cry on your partner's shoulder about the partner that has left, died, etc.
So there are high highs and low lows, but I think that in this field, polyamory actually comes across better off than monogamy.
Personal Growth
This one can be quite scary. As I've suggested before, and certainly have experienced, a monogamous relationship challenges your personal growth to a certain point before comfort, other and self knowledge set in. Not being someone with a long history (or any real history) of multiple monogamous relationships, I suppose I'm not the best qualified to discuss how this works outside my own experience, however polyamory is a real challenge to personal growth.
Its harder to explain away to yourself and your partner quirks, blind spots and baggage when it is obvious to more than two of you. That can be rather scary and hard work. In the end though, it is worth it. I undertook 2 years of good counselling to deal with some of my baggage and blind spots, because I could see that they were getting in the way.
(Actually I recommend good counselling to everyone, monogamous or polyamorous or even asexual. Good counselling is good for you. Very few people have issue free childhoods after all.)
For many of the poly people I know, and for those I am in relationships with, polyamory has increased our self awareness and emotional intelligence and certainly has held up big signs pointing to issues that need to be resolved. Its not all smooth sailing, but the rewards are awesome in the end.
I've certainly found, despite the need to work hard on my own shit, that I'm now a much more secure, confident and powerful individual than when I first entered the world of polyamory. This is my experience and the experience of others I know.
Do the benefits outweigh the costs?
I'm specifically referring to fear here, and really this is something that I can't tell you and you have to judge for yourself. However, if the fear of personal growth and potential hurt is something you are prepared to accept, the next step is dealing with society.
You don't have to tell the world that you are poly, you can live a quiet and unassuming life. You can choose also, to stand up to the world and tell those who disagree with you to go away and leave you alone. In the end, its your choice.
Social conventions
Breaking with social conventions and expectations can be a terrifying thing for some people. The fear that you could be targeted by those who disagree with anyone breaking social mores is valid, however, with poly communities in much of the Western world, you'll not be alone in deciding to live differently to social convention.
What to do about such fear? Well I'd recommend finding a poly community and talking to them about identification issues and safety, and how they deal with it in their local area.
There are poly communities in Australia, the United States, the UK, Canada, South Africa, France, Portugal, Mexico, Denmark, Austria, Germany, Netherlands, the Philippines, Spain, Switzerland and Sweden just to name a few (http://www.polyamorysociety.
Many of the poly people I know don't disclose their lifestyle choices beyond their immediate circle of intimates, some may extend that to family and friends, but not many people publicly identify as being poly. I suspect that this may be because of a lack of good poly role-models, and some of this being due to the whole poly concept being relatively new as far as social movements go.
So, apart from bigotry and in some very conservative communities the risk of losing your employment and children, what else have you to fear?
Hurt
Some people, and I've been amongst them, are afraid that with the increased number of relationships is the increased potential for break ups and hurt occurs. To put it simply, yes that is true.
But what this simple explanation does not take into account is that with the increased number of relationships, there is an increased amount of support, and that for those who join a poly community, exist another support network, because most of them have been through it too at some point.
Remember, even monogamy is a world of hurt and break up, very few people marry the first person they dated. It is very different being involved in one break up and yet having another deeply happy and loving relationship existing to return to, and to be able to cry on your partner's shoulder about the partner that has left, died, etc.
So there are high highs and low lows, but I think that in this field, polyamory actually comes across better off than monogamy.
Personal Growth
This one can be quite scary. As I've suggested before, and certainly have experienced, a monogamous relationship challenges your personal growth to a certain point before comfort, other and self knowledge set in. Not being someone with a long history (or any real history) of multiple monogamous relationships, I suppose I'm not the best qualified to discuss how this works outside my own experience, however polyamory is a real challenge to personal growth.
Its harder to explain away to yourself and your partner quirks, blind spots and baggage when it is obvious to more than two of you. That can be rather scary and hard work. In the end though, it is worth it. I undertook 2 years of good counselling to deal with some of my baggage and blind spots, because I could see that they were getting in the way.
(Actually I recommend good counselling to everyone, monogamous or polyamorous or even asexual. Good counselling is good for you. Very few people have issue free childhoods after all.)
For many of the poly people I know, and for those I am in relationships with, polyamory has increased our self awareness and emotional intelligence and certainly has held up big signs pointing to issues that need to be resolved. Its not all smooth sailing, but the rewards are awesome in the end.
I've certainly found, despite the need to work hard on my own shit, that I'm now a much more secure, confident and powerful individual than when I first entered the world of polyamory. This is my experience and the experience of others I know.
Do the benefits outweigh the costs?
I'm specifically referring to fear here, and really this is something that I can't tell you and you have to judge for yourself. However, if the fear of personal growth and potential hurt is something you are prepared to accept, the next step is dealing with society.
You don't have to tell the world that you are poly, you can live a quiet and unassuming life. You can choose also, to stand up to the world and tell those who disagree with you to go away and leave you alone. In the end, its your choice.
12 April 2009
Love - part 2
In thinking about love and forms of love, and in a conversation I had with James recently, I came upon a realisation that there are some people who I think (and this is more of an observation than a certainty) who fall in love with the idea of someone more than the reality of that person.
I'll explain.
But first I'll start with how I've observed this, and where my ideas come from (and hope that this all makes sense).
Really, what I'm asking is whether you love someone for who they really are, giving them the freedom to be truly themselves, or whether you love an idea or aspect of that person, trying to conform them into your vision of who they are?
I know it is a frightening thing to discover that your partner/friend/sibling/parent is someone with their own goals, images of who they are and desires for their life, but in the end, I honestly believe that it makes for a stronger relationship to love everything positive about that person, even if it doesn't fit in with your preconceived ideas of who that person was before you discovered something new and different.
So, if you are monogamous and you entered a relationship with a polyamorous person, knowing full well that they are poly, is it right for you to expect that your partner remain monogamous with you just with you? Do you have a responsibility to love and respect all of that person and therefore give them the freedom to be themselves completely? Now, the poly person may have promised to be monogamous in that relationship, but I don't like to expect people to keep promises that are against their nature, which is my own personal view of the world.
I'd much prefer to allow my partners to love and live how they will provided they are doing no harm to me or others. I want my partners to have the freedom to be their complete selves and know that they have that freedom. I love them with that freedom and am secure enough in my relationships with them to know that despite what they end up doing, who they love, who they have sex with and who they spend time with, that they will love me, spend time with me, and continue to be in relationships with me unless the relationship ends naturally.
I'm a big believer in freedom, I don't want to be fettered and so won't fetter others. It isn't easy, I've been insecure at times, frightened at others, but long-term it has worked out the best way for me and my partners. They know I give them the freedom to be themselves and consequently they give me the freedom to be myself. At no time do I have to worry that my partner/s are jealous that I've flirted or talked to another person, that I might be interested in someone else and have to tread softly around the subject with them. I do not feel that I am a possession, but an individual in my own right.
I would like to challenge people to find security in their relationships and within themselves to weather any storm. I challenge people to then give their partner/friends/siblings/parents/family the complete freedom to be themselves. Don't be scared, it could be the start to a magical journey.
I'll explain.
But first I'll start with how I've observed this, and where my ideas come from (and hope that this all makes sense).
- People in relationships with someone who discover that their partner is bisexual, and then feel threatened, disgusted, upset that their partner is bisexual (wonder why people don't always disclose everything, particularly sexuality?).
- People who discover that their partner has an interest or desire that is an unexpected surprise, such as football allegiances opposite to their own, sexual desire that their partner finds perverse, etc
- People who discover that the person that they are in a relationship with is not the person they thought they were initially
Really, what I'm asking is whether you love someone for who they really are, giving them the freedom to be truly themselves, or whether you love an idea or aspect of that person, trying to conform them into your vision of who they are?
I know it is a frightening thing to discover that your partner/friend/sibling/parent is someone with their own goals, images of who they are and desires for their life, but in the end, I honestly believe that it makes for a stronger relationship to love everything positive about that person, even if it doesn't fit in with your preconceived ideas of who that person was before you discovered something new and different.
So, if you are monogamous and you entered a relationship with a polyamorous person, knowing full well that they are poly, is it right for you to expect that your partner remain monogamous with you just with you? Do you have a responsibility to love and respect all of that person and therefore give them the freedom to be themselves completely? Now, the poly person may have promised to be monogamous in that relationship, but I don't like to expect people to keep promises that are against their nature, which is my own personal view of the world.
I'd much prefer to allow my partners to love and live how they will provided they are doing no harm to me or others. I want my partners to have the freedom to be their complete selves and know that they have that freedom. I love them with that freedom and am secure enough in my relationships with them to know that despite what they end up doing, who they love, who they have sex with and who they spend time with, that they will love me, spend time with me, and continue to be in relationships with me unless the relationship ends naturally.
I'm a big believer in freedom, I don't want to be fettered and so won't fetter others. It isn't easy, I've been insecure at times, frightened at others, but long-term it has worked out the best way for me and my partners. They know I give them the freedom to be themselves and consequently they give me the freedom to be myself. At no time do I have to worry that my partner/s are jealous that I've flirted or talked to another person, that I might be interested in someone else and have to tread softly around the subject with them. I do not feel that I am a possession, but an individual in my own right.
I would like to challenge people to find security in their relationships and within themselves to weather any storm. I challenge people to then give their partner/friends/siblings/parents/family the complete freedom to be themselves. Don't be scared, it could be the start to a magical journey.
09 March 2009
Love
There are some sad things that I have come across in my life about love and some misconceptions as well. First the sad things.
On a work trip recently a colleague and I were talking about relationships, love, polyamory, lesbianism, family and the like. She asked me what I meant when I said I "fell in love with" or that I "loved" my partners.
I replied that I loved them, but she asked me to define that. So I struggled to find words that fit into her own personal dictionary - which was difficult since we come from such different spaces in the world.
In the end, she told me that she doesn't love people like I do, and in fact that she doesn't love her current partner. She loves her children, but she grew out of falling in love with people and so is very fond of her partner and cares for her, but does not love her.
I found this sad, mostly because of the idea that you could "grow out of falling in love" and that people over the world enter relationships without love, and I know there are many cultures in the world where that happens and has been happening for years, and that in those cultures love can be found... it still makes me sad though.
Right, so if you have grown up and yet still find yourself in love or falling in love with people, don't ever let that go.
So, the second thing is about love as a renewable resource. One thing many poly people say is that "love is not a starvation economy". I'm going to explain that here in writing so that it makes as much sense as I can make it, so that there might be more understanding about love and how it works for us poly people at least.
A starvation economy suggests that if I love A, and then love B, the total love I have for A diminishes as I'm now sharing it with B also. Its probably easier to talk in terms of food, which is a finite/starvation economy.
If I have a loaf of bread that I intend to share with A, then we're going to get around 50% of the bread each. If B comes along and asks for some bread, then we'll all get around 33% of the bread. With each person asking for some bread, the amount of bread available to each person lessens.
Love is not like this. If a mother loves her first child, then if she has another, then the first child does not have less love. If a person loves their friend, then making a new friend does not mean that the love for the first friend diminishes.
Time is a finite resource, but time and love are two different things.
So I love James, and I love him very very much. When I fell in love with Scott, I didn't start loving James less. If anything I loved him more. When I fell in love with Nadia, I didn't love James or Scott less, I love them all.
Love is actually infinite. There is no upper limit to the capacity of love people have inside them, though there may be limitations on whether people can access that or not - looking at my example above.
I have had people ask me why I fell in love with someone else if I loved my husband. Its because I could, because I can, because that's the way I'm wired. I tend to fall in love easily and out of love slowly. This does not make me wrong, this just makes me different.
Being able to love multiple people is not immoral, is not unethical, is not illegal. Acting upon it might be if it is not discussed or disclosed - see my earlier post.
So, I hope that explains my position about love not being finite.
On a work trip recently a colleague and I were talking about relationships, love, polyamory, lesbianism, family and the like. She asked me what I meant when I said I "fell in love with" or that I "loved" my partners.
I replied that I loved them, but she asked me to define that. So I struggled to find words that fit into her own personal dictionary - which was difficult since we come from such different spaces in the world.
In the end, she told me that she doesn't love people like I do, and in fact that she doesn't love her current partner. She loves her children, but she grew out of falling in love with people and so is very fond of her partner and cares for her, but does not love her.
I found this sad, mostly because of the idea that you could "grow out of falling in love" and that people over the world enter relationships without love, and I know there are many cultures in the world where that happens and has been happening for years, and that in those cultures love can be found... it still makes me sad though.
Right, so if you have grown up and yet still find yourself in love or falling in love with people, don't ever let that go.
So, the second thing is about love as a renewable resource. One thing many poly people say is that "love is not a starvation economy". I'm going to explain that here in writing so that it makes as much sense as I can make it, so that there might be more understanding about love and how it works for us poly people at least.
A starvation economy suggests that if I love A, and then love B, the total love I have for A diminishes as I'm now sharing it with B also. Its probably easier to talk in terms of food, which is a finite/starvation economy.
If I have a loaf of bread that I intend to share with A, then we're going to get around 50% of the bread each. If B comes along and asks for some bread, then we'll all get around 33% of the bread. With each person asking for some bread, the amount of bread available to each person lessens.
Love is not like this. If a mother loves her first child, then if she has another, then the first child does not have less love. If a person loves their friend, then making a new friend does not mean that the love for the first friend diminishes.
Time is a finite resource, but time and love are two different things.
So I love James, and I love him very very much. When I fell in love with Scott, I didn't start loving James less. If anything I loved him more. When I fell in love with Nadia, I didn't love James or Scott less, I love them all.
Love is actually infinite. There is no upper limit to the capacity of love people have inside them, though there may be limitations on whether people can access that or not - looking at my example above.
I have had people ask me why I fell in love with someone else if I loved my husband. Its because I could, because I can, because that's the way I'm wired. I tend to fall in love easily and out of love slowly. This does not make me wrong, this just makes me different.
Being able to love multiple people is not immoral, is not unethical, is not illegal. Acting upon it might be if it is not discussed or disclosed - see my earlier post.
So, I hope that explains my position about love not being finite.
31 December 2008
Honesty
In response to Toni who posted a comment on my previous blog post:
"So being poly is fucking whoever you want, good good I must be poly then but it seems my poly relationships are quite short-term. I know some of my past poly relationships have been with people who were in relationships with monogamous partners, but it would have been bad form for me to discourage their poly lifestyle, even though their husbands were probalbly unaware of the poly element in their relationship. I guess it is the responsibility of the poly partner in a monogamous relationship to inform her partner. It would be socially awkward for me to introduce myself as the fellow who is fucking his wife!"
At no point will I ever encourage someone who is poly to act in a dishonest way in their relationship/s. Cheating on your partner/s is always cheating regardless of whether you are poly or monogamous. You can cheat on your poly partners as easily as you can cheat when you are monogamous. I discourage all forms of cheating and instead encourage people who are tempted to cheat to sort out why they are tempted to and to talk to their partners about it or resolve the issue as they best possibly can. Counselling is always a good option.
To say that polyamory is fucking whoever you want is over simplifying the whole issue. Polyamory is ethical non-monogamy. If fucking whoever you want is indeed ethical to both you and the fuckee, then go for it. If it isn't, then perhaps you need to rethink your strategy and ideals and come up with something that is ethical.
I demand honesty from my partners and I give it in return. I would have big, insurmountable issues with a partner if they were not being honest with me, in fact that would be a deal breaker. Part of that honesty is ensuring that their partner is aware of me and ok with the relationship I have with them, whether that relationship lasts for a night or much longer.
"So being poly is fucking whoever you want, good good I must be poly then but it seems my poly relationships are quite short-term. I know some of my past poly relationships have been with people who were in relationships with monogamous partners, but it would have been bad form for me to discourage their poly lifestyle, even though their husbands were probalbly unaware of the poly element in their relationship. I guess it is the responsibility of the poly partner in a monogamous relationship to inform her partner. It would be socially awkward for me to introduce myself as the fellow who is fucking his wife!"
At no point will I ever encourage someone who is poly to act in a dishonest way in their relationship/s. Cheating on your partner/s is always cheating regardless of whether you are poly or monogamous. You can cheat on your poly partners as easily as you can cheat when you are monogamous. I discourage all forms of cheating and instead encourage people who are tempted to cheat to sort out why they are tempted to and to talk to their partners about it or resolve the issue as they best possibly can. Counselling is always a good option.
To say that polyamory is fucking whoever you want is over simplifying the whole issue. Polyamory is ethical non-monogamy. If fucking whoever you want is indeed ethical to both you and the fuckee, then go for it. If it isn't, then perhaps you need to rethink your strategy and ideals and come up with something that is ethical.
I demand honesty from my partners and I give it in return. I would have big, insurmountable issues with a partner if they were not being honest with me, in fact that would be a deal breaker. Part of that honesty is ensuring that their partner is aware of me and ok with the relationship I have with them, whether that relationship lasts for a night or much longer.
24 December 2008
Definitions
Polyamory: [as taken from Wikipedia] is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships.
Monogamy: [also from Wikipedia] is the custom or condition of having only one mate in a relationship, thus forming a couple.
Why, you ask, did I feel the need to find these definitions and put them up here? Good question, and one I shall answer, after finding a much better definition of monogamy.
Monogamy: [from the Macquarie Dictionary] 2. the practice of remaining faithful to a single sexual partner.
3. Zoology the habit of having only one mate.
Ok, I am poly, James is poly, my girlfriend is poly, Scott is monogamous. This seems to be a bit of an issue for some people (and I am relationships with all these people if that wasn't clear). Their reasoning is:
Clearly I'm shooting this reasoning and theory in the head. I'm poly and in a relationship with a monogamous man. I'm not someone who identifies as poly who is currently acting monogamous and in a monogamous relationship, because that's a different game again. I am actively poly and yet one of my partners is monogamous.
You see, as long as he doesn't mind that I see other people, which he doesn't, then my other relationships are mine and have no impact on his sexual or relationship orientation. With the definitions above (minus the definition of monogamy from Wikipedia which is rather useless), there is nothing stopping Scott being monogamous and in a relationship with me while I'm being in a relationship with him and other people, that is being poly.
If Scott later decides to dabble in the pool of polyamory, which at this point he has stated he has no inclination to do, then that's his choice and I will respect that and probably encourage it (as well as be supportive and a good partner). If he chooses not to, if he remains monogamous for the rest of his life, I will also support and respect his decision.
See, monogamy and polyamory can coexist side by side in the same sphere and work.
Monogamy: [also from Wikipedia] is the custom or condition of having only one mate in a relationship, thus forming a couple.
Why, you ask, did I feel the need to find these definitions and put them up here? Good question, and one I shall answer, after finding a much better definition of monogamy.
Monogamy: [from the Macquarie Dictionary] 2. the practice of remaining faithful to a single sexual partner.
3. Zoology the habit of having only one mate.
Ok, I am poly, James is poly, my girlfriend is poly, Scott is monogamous. This seems to be a bit of an issue for some people (and I am relationships with all these people if that wasn't clear). Their reasoning is:
- If someone is in a relationship with someone else who is poly and that first person is actively poly, then the second (third/fourth/etc) person must also be poly.
Clearly I'm shooting this reasoning and theory in the head. I'm poly and in a relationship with a monogamous man. I'm not someone who identifies as poly who is currently acting monogamous and in a monogamous relationship, because that's a different game again. I am actively poly and yet one of my partners is monogamous.
You see, as long as he doesn't mind that I see other people, which he doesn't, then my other relationships are mine and have no impact on his sexual or relationship orientation. With the definitions above (minus the definition of monogamy from Wikipedia which is rather useless), there is nothing stopping Scott being monogamous and in a relationship with me while I'm being in a relationship with him and other people, that is being poly.
If Scott later decides to dabble in the pool of polyamory, which at this point he has stated he has no inclination to do, then that's his choice and I will respect that and probably encourage it (as well as be supportive and a good partner). If he chooses not to, if he remains monogamous for the rest of his life, I will also support and respect his decision.
See, monogamy and polyamory can coexist side by side in the same sphere and work.
15 December 2008
Telling the world you're poly
I noticed within myself when I became actively poly, versus knowing I was poly and not doing much about it, that I wanted to tell the world about my new relationship and how magnificent it all was, and how everyone was getting along so well.
I think most people go through this, I've certainly watched monogamous people do this with their latest partner, so the fact that polyamorous people want to do it too should come as no great surprise. I suspect part of it has to do with the rush of new relationship energy, and wanting to tell the whole world how lucky you are that you found X (and Y and Z perhaps).
However, telling the world when you're poly is trickier than when you are monogamous. In my experience, this has stemmed from having to explain what polyamory is in the first place and dealing with various people's prejudices about monogamy being the preferred option, whether that be helped religious beliefs or their own ideals.
My own experience pointed to different phases in telling the world that I am poly. The first phase was telling people and then explaining it to them. During this period I was afraid of rejection from friends and family and went out of my way to explain that James and I were happily married, that our respective partners were new and sustainable relationships and that it wasn't all going to end in tears.
The second phase had me explain poly, but in a much more positive mind set. I had moved to the, "if you don't like it, that's your problem and not mine" mindset. Which meant that I wasn't afraid of rejection, because that was not my problem, and if someone walked away because of my lifestyle, then perhaps they weren't worth keeping.
The final phase has me now just expecting people to cope with the fact that I am poly. I will just drop into conversation that I have two husbands and a girl friend and expect people to keep up. This is actually the easiest, for me, of all the phases. I believe that because I have an expectation that people will keep up, and most of the hard work (my family and close friends) have already been told. Therefore, if someone objects now, then its not going to be as painful.
To get to the final phase I believe requires a level of confidence about yourself and your lifestyle choices. The final phase also requires you to not take rejection personally. To recognise that their rejection is their issue and if they cannot or will not cope with your choices in life, then that doesn't mean that you are not ok, it just means that they cannot cope.
My final bit of advice in relation to telling people that you are poly is to choose your battles wisely. We still have friends we haven't told because it isn't worth the angst it would cause. Not to us, but to them, and we don't want to upset them that much. Consideration as to how your employer might react is also worthwhile before outing yourself at work. I'm a Federal Public Servant in Australia, my employer can't discriminate against me, and my colleagues don't care. But some employers might, and since some discrimination isn't illegal, its best to be careful and know how your employer will deal with such things before telling them.
Good luck in telling everyone you want to tell.
I think most people go through this, I've certainly watched monogamous people do this with their latest partner, so the fact that polyamorous people want to do it too should come as no great surprise. I suspect part of it has to do with the rush of new relationship energy, and wanting to tell the whole world how lucky you are that you found X (and Y and Z perhaps).
However, telling the world when you're poly is trickier than when you are monogamous. In my experience, this has stemmed from having to explain what polyamory is in the first place and dealing with various people's prejudices about monogamy being the preferred option, whether that be helped religious beliefs or their own ideals.
My own experience pointed to different phases in telling the world that I am poly. The first phase was telling people and then explaining it to them. During this period I was afraid of rejection from friends and family and went out of my way to explain that James and I were happily married, that our respective partners were new and sustainable relationships and that it wasn't all going to end in tears.
The second phase had me explain poly, but in a much more positive mind set. I had moved to the, "if you don't like it, that's your problem and not mine" mindset. Which meant that I wasn't afraid of rejection, because that was not my problem, and if someone walked away because of my lifestyle, then perhaps they weren't worth keeping.
The final phase has me now just expecting people to cope with the fact that I am poly. I will just drop into conversation that I have two husbands and a girl friend and expect people to keep up. This is actually the easiest, for me, of all the phases. I believe that because I have an expectation that people will keep up, and most of the hard work (my family and close friends) have already been told. Therefore, if someone objects now, then its not going to be as painful.
To get to the final phase I believe requires a level of confidence about yourself and your lifestyle choices. The final phase also requires you to not take rejection personally. To recognise that their rejection is their issue and if they cannot or will not cope with your choices in life, then that doesn't mean that you are not ok, it just means that they cannot cope.
My final bit of advice in relation to telling people that you are poly is to choose your battles wisely. We still have friends we haven't told because it isn't worth the angst it would cause. Not to us, but to them, and we don't want to upset them that much. Consideration as to how your employer might react is also worthwhile before outing yourself at work. I'm a Federal Public Servant in Australia, my employer can't discriminate against me, and my colleagues don't care. But some employers might, and since some discrimination isn't illegal, its best to be careful and know how your employer will deal with such things before telling them.
Good luck in telling everyone you want to tell.
19 October 2008
This article is relevant
And reminds me that I need to write a post about bisexuality and polyamory at some point.
Enjoy this.
(Note: I do have some issues with the way this article is structured, however I think its well written and researched. I think it'd be better off as two separate papers, but that's just my take.)
Enjoy this.
(Note: I do have some issues with the way this article is structured, however I think its well written and researched. I think it'd be better off as two separate papers, but that's just my take.)
17 October 2008
My actual point is....
The types of people who are poly.
(I've been trying to write this post for weeks. School and other things kept getting in the way... so back to my post)
So, in very quick summary.... poly people generally are trying to be more self-aware, are as flawed and injured as anyone else, have a better idea (in my experience) of what they want and tend to be a whole lot more sex positive.
Really, this doesn't make them stand out in a crowd, unless of course they are standing with all their partners and clearly treating them equally in terms of affection or there is some other sign. Poly people generally are very little different from the rest of the world at large. The biggest difference really comes down to how we build our relationships and what we're willing to do to have those relationships.
Monogamy is only one option in the types of relationships that people can have, polyamory is another. Poly people can (and some are) be religious, they just don't tend to accept all the rules or customs of their religion. They study, have families, work, contribute, volunteer and live next door to you.
Despite all the negative press that polyamory, polygamy, polygyny and polyandry gets, provided that everyone is in agreement, that boundaries are set and respected, these options are as valid as the accepted cultural norms. It really does not end up all in tears any more than relationships do in the monogamous world.
So, anyone who is willing to do the work that is required in themselves and in their relationship (if they are in one), who is willing to respect boundaries, start sorting out what they want and who knows that they can love more than one person at a time, or continue love someone who can love more than one person at a time, can consider entering the great big world of poly.
So some resources for everyone:
PolyMatchMaker is a good site with excellent forums (and match making functionality) where discussions about all things poly (and some things not). There is a vibrant community involved with some really wonderful people. If you're not from Australia, its a good place to start to find out if there is a poly community near you, and to find out more about poly people in general.
Bi-Victoria is a website for the bisexual community in Victoria, Australia. There is a sister group "Poly-Victoria" that uses Bi-Victoria's website to list their social meetings and discussion group events. Check the list on the left-hand side of the page for more information.
There are also two Yahoo! groups in Australia (and no doubt more worldwide) that act as a mailing list in relation to poly issues. I don't subscribe to them myself (I don't have time), but James does. There is a good list here.
17 September 2008
"NO!"
Learning to say "no" is one of the most difficult skills for a poly person to acquire.
I was having a think about it last night, after chatting with a friend who is fairly new to poly and is finding herself being overwhelmed with offers. In my opinion, saying no is actually a set of three skills:
1) Knowing when you need to say "no"
2) Being able to actually say it, and
3) Saying it in a positive, or at least non-hurtful, way.
Each one is a distinct skill, and it's possible to have one or more of them and lack others. All of them are important, though, and generally your poly experience will be easier and happier if you can master them all. That said, while I have #1 down pretty well now, I'm still working on consistently applying #2, and #3 is still very hard.
Number one is all about self-awareness, and it's more than just recognising compatibility (or a lack thereof) with another person. It's also about knowing your own limitations, recognising how much time and energy a new romantic commitment will take up and deciding whether you can spare them. One of the hardest things is meeting someone with whom you have great chemistry, but realising that your life is just too full for another relationship, so you have to tell them "no".
Number two is about confidence and trust in yourself. Whether you have no interest in someone who is interested in you, or you feel the same as they do but can't initiate anything for other reasons, actually coming out with it and saying "no" can be very tough. I think the strongest incentive to urge you to speak your mind is thinking about the potential consequences if you keep silent. Imagine someone developing deep feelings for you that you can't reciprocate because you couldn't bit the bullet and tell them it couldn't go anywhere. Like many emotional issues, it's one of things that gets more painful the longer you leave it.
Number three is a tough one. Nobody who is interested in you wants to hear that you don't feel the same about them, and it's the kind of news which is going to sting a bit, no matter how well you phrase it. Unless you're a nasty person, causing other people pain is something you want to avoid. This may contribute to a failure to exercise skill #2 above: turning someone down hurts, and you don't want to hurt anyone, so you have trouble turning people down even when you know you should.
I think there is an art to letting people down gently, rather than a precise science, so no advice is universally applicable. To be honest, I am not a good one to give advice on developing skill #3 anyway: I don't often find myself pursued, so rarely need to let people down, gently or otherwise. The last time I had to do it, I don't think I did a very good job. I recognise that this is a skill I really need to work on.
My problem is that I have an aversion to conflict (hooray for childhood traumas) and tend avoid saying "no" for as long as possible. When I finally say it, it's often because I've been backed into a corner and forced to finally be fully honest. As a result, I'm feeling cornered and defensive, and not in the loving headspace needed to tell someone they can't have what they want but avoid hurting them more than can be avoided.
Sorry this blog post is a little unsatisfying - this is an issue I am still working on myself.
REBECA'S VIEW
I thought I'd add my two cents to this, and in particular number three on the list above. I think I am somewhat qualified to add to this given I seem to have a small queue of men who would love to take me to bed with them (at least), and whom I've had to turn down.
I think the art of saying no, is when its said with respect for the other's feelings, which James has already stated above. And also with a genuine sense of appreciation for how hard it is to actually ask someone for more than a hug, and an appreciation of how flattering it is to be desired.
I had to learn this, by the way. I had a close friend who was an artist at saying no to people in ways that left them happy, if a little disappointed. I never got to overhear any of her conversations with people she said no to, but she'd tell me later and I never got an explanation from her as to what she did.
So then came along the day when I actually realised that I needed to say no to someone. A lovely angel of a man who many people find quite sexy, and with whom I didn't feel any chemistry. I emailed him and apologised for my lack of chemistry, given that I felt that I was letting the side down given how desired he was by everyone else.
I wasn't happy with the whole emailing thing, but given he lived in another city, it was the best option at the time.
Then, more offers from lovely people who I adore, but feel no chemistry with (I'm quite picky). Each time I told them how flattered I was, how much I appreciated them asking me, but given I didn't feel any chemistry with them, it'd be wrong/unfair on both of us to take it further than we have. I am still close with these people, I appear to have let them know that I do value them as friends and confidants and am not dismissive of their desires. The fact that I continue lightly flirting with them and being affectionate with them probably helps - but that was the way I was with them before they propositioned me.
One sweet gentleman (and he'd laugh if he read that description of himself), asked me on IM once when we were chatting if I was interested in more with him. I said that I loved chatting with him, but that was as far as I was willing to take it. He said that he thought that was the case and just wanted to check and that he loved how he could be incredibly suggestive with me and I'd just laugh and continue talking with him, because there had been some people who took offense at that.
So, respect the individual and their courage in asking or propositioning you. Thank them for asking you and say no gently. This clearly applies to people you like and know and want to remain friends with. There will always be people who don't listen to a subtle no, and for whom, "fuck no" or even "fuck off" is the only answer they might hear. Don't feel bad in using that in that instance. If you've tried to say no in all the other ways and not been heard, telling someone directly, even if it does hurt their feelings, isn't a bad thing. Its better to be safe than sorry after all.
I was having a think about it last night, after chatting with a friend who is fairly new to poly and is finding herself being overwhelmed with offers. In my opinion, saying no is actually a set of three skills:
1) Knowing when you need to say "no"
2) Being able to actually say it, and
3) Saying it in a positive, or at least non-hurtful, way.
Each one is a distinct skill, and it's possible to have one or more of them and lack others. All of them are important, though, and generally your poly experience will be easier and happier if you can master them all. That said, while I have #1 down pretty well now, I'm still working on consistently applying #2, and #3 is still very hard.
Number one is all about self-awareness, and it's more than just recognising compatibility (or a lack thereof) with another person. It's also about knowing your own limitations, recognising how much time and energy a new romantic commitment will take up and deciding whether you can spare them. One of the hardest things is meeting someone with whom you have great chemistry, but realising that your life is just too full for another relationship, so you have to tell them "no".
Number two is about confidence and trust in yourself. Whether you have no interest in someone who is interested in you, or you feel the same as they do but can't initiate anything for other reasons, actually coming out with it and saying "no" can be very tough. I think the strongest incentive to urge you to speak your mind is thinking about the potential consequences if you keep silent. Imagine someone developing deep feelings for you that you can't reciprocate because you couldn't bit the bullet and tell them it couldn't go anywhere. Like many emotional issues, it's one of things that gets more painful the longer you leave it.
Number three is a tough one. Nobody who is interested in you wants to hear that you don't feel the same about them, and it's the kind of news which is going to sting a bit, no matter how well you phrase it. Unless you're a nasty person, causing other people pain is something you want to avoid. This may contribute to a failure to exercise skill #2 above: turning someone down hurts, and you don't want to hurt anyone, so you have trouble turning people down even when you know you should.
I think there is an art to letting people down gently, rather than a precise science, so no advice is universally applicable. To be honest, I am not a good one to give advice on developing skill #3 anyway: I don't often find myself pursued, so rarely need to let people down, gently or otherwise. The last time I had to do it, I don't think I did a very good job. I recognise that this is a skill I really need to work on.
My problem is that I have an aversion to conflict (hooray for childhood traumas) and tend avoid saying "no" for as long as possible. When I finally say it, it's often because I've been backed into a corner and forced to finally be fully honest. As a result, I'm feeling cornered and defensive, and not in the loving headspace needed to tell someone they can't have what they want but avoid hurting them more than can be avoided.
Sorry this blog post is a little unsatisfying - this is an issue I am still working on myself.
REBECA'S VIEW
I thought I'd add my two cents to this, and in particular number three on the list above. I think I am somewhat qualified to add to this given I seem to have a small queue of men who would love to take me to bed with them (at least), and whom I've had to turn down.
I think the art of saying no, is when its said with respect for the other's feelings, which James has already stated above. And also with a genuine sense of appreciation for how hard it is to actually ask someone for more than a hug, and an appreciation of how flattering it is to be desired.
I had to learn this, by the way. I had a close friend who was an artist at saying no to people in ways that left them happy, if a little disappointed. I never got to overhear any of her conversations with people she said no to, but she'd tell me later and I never got an explanation from her as to what she did.
So then came along the day when I actually realised that I needed to say no to someone. A lovely angel of a man who many people find quite sexy, and with whom I didn't feel any chemistry. I emailed him and apologised for my lack of chemistry, given that I felt that I was letting the side down given how desired he was by everyone else.
I wasn't happy with the whole emailing thing, but given he lived in another city, it was the best option at the time.
Then, more offers from lovely people who I adore, but feel no chemistry with (I'm quite picky). Each time I told them how flattered I was, how much I appreciated them asking me, but given I didn't feel any chemistry with them, it'd be wrong/unfair on both of us to take it further than we have. I am still close with these people, I appear to have let them know that I do value them as friends and confidants and am not dismissive of their desires. The fact that I continue lightly flirting with them and being affectionate with them probably helps - but that was the way I was with them before they propositioned me.
One sweet gentleman (and he'd laugh if he read that description of himself), asked me on IM once when we were chatting if I was interested in more with him. I said that I loved chatting with him, but that was as far as I was willing to take it. He said that he thought that was the case and just wanted to check and that he loved how he could be incredibly suggestive with me and I'd just laugh and continue talking with him, because there had been some people who took offense at that.
So, respect the individual and their courage in asking or propositioning you. Thank them for asking you and say no gently. This clearly applies to people you like and know and want to remain friends with. There will always be people who don't listen to a subtle no, and for whom, "fuck no" or even "fuck off" is the only answer they might hear. Don't feel bad in using that in that instance. If you've tried to say no in all the other ways and not been heard, telling someone directly, even if it does hurt their feelings, isn't a bad thing. Its better to be safe than sorry after all.
29 August 2008
Go and read this post... now
I don't generally find another blog post so amazing that I have to post about it... but this ties in here just as much as anything else I could write.
So go and read... and enjoy
http://alexthegirl.com/2008/06/289
So go and read... and enjoy
http://alexthegirl.com/2008/06/289
29 July 2008
Sexual Assault - the aftermath
This story is graphic in its detail and those who have survived sexual assault may wish to skip this bit and start reading again at the row of asterisks.
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I was friends (unfortunately only briefly) with a beautiful and sweet woman when I first attempted university. I noticed that she had a scar on her neck and I didn't ask her about it because that was impolite and I assumed that it was probably surgical in nature.
During one of our physics practials, after we'd known each other for a while, she told me I should ask her how she got the scar on her neck sometime. So I asked. She told me that she had had her throat slit and was raped.
Her story was horrifying, she was walking home from school and was walking along the bank of the river that cut through the town, as this was a well used path, very public and usually very safe. She heard someone walking behind her, turned and saw a man walking some distance back. As it was a public place, she didn't worry and when she heard him approach, thought that he was overtaking her.
Instead he grabbed her, cut her throat and she passed out from the blood pressure loss. Fortunately for her, her attacker was inept and only severed one of her arteries and nicked the other. As she fell unconscious with her head forward it stemmed the blood loss. At one point she regained consciousness and struggled with her attacked and managed to cause him some injury.
She again fell unconscious and was found by two young school boys walking home. They raised the alarm and she was taken to hospital, where she spent quite a bit of time, and made - as much as you can - a full recovery.
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Ok, in summary rape is a terrible thing and the reason I told the story above is that like most terrible things, there are degrees. I was raped by my boyfriend when I was 16 - it wasn't violent just coersive. I stayed with him for another 3 years and it was an emotionally abusive relationship, because I couldn't see any other option - at that time. However, I would never compare my rape with that of my friend above.
Like common assault where it can range from being spat upon through to being punched, there are degrees of sexual assault. I'm not demeaning mine or anyone else's experience, I'm just stating that there are degrees - and in my opinion, anyone who tells you that all rape is the same is demeaning my friend's experience and elevating mine to something nonsensical.
Apart from stating that there are degrees of sexual assault, some worse than others, the main thrust of this post is about what happens next. Physical wounds heal, the body regenerates as much as it can and can leave physical reminders of what happened, but often its the psyche that takes the longest to heal - and that is perfectly understandable.
Sexual assault - whether it be by someone you know and trust, or by a complete stranger, is a terrible thing to experience and the shame, disempowerment and soul damage that survivors experience is really hard.
How do you move on after such a terrible thing has happened? For me, and for my friend I believe, it was a case of not letting that event define us. I am so much more than that one event. I am someone who has survived rape and sexual assault, but that's only a small part of who I am. I don't want to let that define who I am, when I know that that is only one of the many experiences in my life that make me who I am.
I was lucky in that the date-rape that I survived was relatively minor on the scale of rape and sexual assault. It was easier for me to move on and grow into the person that I have become. My new partner, when I eventually left that relationship, was incredibly supportive and understanding.
For my friend, she turned to her faith and that helped her, as did an incredibly supportive family and friends network. She was determined to move on, even though she would bear the physical scars for the rest of her life.
Finding the key that helps you move on is important, whether it be travelling, religion, counselling, study, family, friends or other healthy relationships. Your state of mind about how the universe and you interact is also important I believe.
Life is unfair, that is something that we all need to accept and bad things do happen to good people, but doing your best to be a full and complete person, to be the entire sum of all your experiences and not the sum of the negative experiences, is important.
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I was friends (unfortunately only briefly) with a beautiful and sweet woman when I first attempted university. I noticed that she had a scar on her neck and I didn't ask her about it because that was impolite and I assumed that it was probably surgical in nature.
During one of our physics practials, after we'd known each other for a while, she told me I should ask her how she got the scar on her neck sometime. So I asked. She told me that she had had her throat slit and was raped.
Her story was horrifying, she was walking home from school and was walking along the bank of the river that cut through the town, as this was a well used path, very public and usually very safe. She heard someone walking behind her, turned and saw a man walking some distance back. As it was a public place, she didn't worry and when she heard him approach, thought that he was overtaking her.
Instead he grabbed her, cut her throat and she passed out from the blood pressure loss. Fortunately for her, her attacker was inept and only severed one of her arteries and nicked the other. As she fell unconscious with her head forward it stemmed the blood loss. At one point she regained consciousness and struggled with her attacked and managed to cause him some injury.
She again fell unconscious and was found by two young school boys walking home. They raised the alarm and she was taken to hospital, where she spent quite a bit of time, and made - as much as you can - a full recovery.
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*************************************
Ok, in summary rape is a terrible thing and the reason I told the story above is that like most terrible things, there are degrees. I was raped by my boyfriend when I was 16 - it wasn't violent just coersive. I stayed with him for another 3 years and it was an emotionally abusive relationship, because I couldn't see any other option - at that time. However, I would never compare my rape with that of my friend above.
Like common assault where it can range from being spat upon through to being punched, there are degrees of sexual assault. I'm not demeaning mine or anyone else's experience, I'm just stating that there are degrees - and in my opinion, anyone who tells you that all rape is the same is demeaning my friend's experience and elevating mine to something nonsensical.
Apart from stating that there are degrees of sexual assault, some worse than others, the main thrust of this post is about what happens next. Physical wounds heal, the body regenerates as much as it can and can leave physical reminders of what happened, but often its the psyche that takes the longest to heal - and that is perfectly understandable.
Sexual assault - whether it be by someone you know and trust, or by a complete stranger, is a terrible thing to experience and the shame, disempowerment and soul damage that survivors experience is really hard.
How do you move on after such a terrible thing has happened? For me, and for my friend I believe, it was a case of not letting that event define us. I am so much more than that one event. I am someone who has survived rape and sexual assault, but that's only a small part of who I am. I don't want to let that define who I am, when I know that that is only one of the many experiences in my life that make me who I am.
I was lucky in that the date-rape that I survived was relatively minor on the scale of rape and sexual assault. It was easier for me to move on and grow into the person that I have become. My new partner, when I eventually left that relationship, was incredibly supportive and understanding.
For my friend, she turned to her faith and that helped her, as did an incredibly supportive family and friends network. She was determined to move on, even though she would bear the physical scars for the rest of her life.
Finding the key that helps you move on is important, whether it be travelling, religion, counselling, study, family, friends or other healthy relationships. Your state of mind about how the universe and you interact is also important I believe.
Life is unfair, that is something that we all need to accept and bad things do happen to good people, but doing your best to be a full and complete person, to be the entire sum of all your experiences and not the sum of the negative experiences, is important.
22 June 2008
Knowing what you want
I have this theory, it goes something like this:
The more you know about what you want from life, the happier and more centred you will be.
This is why it is important to sit down and think about what you want, and one of the best ways in starting that process is looking at what you don't want in your life. Everyone has some idea about the things that make them unhappy, the things that haven't worked in other relationships and typically have a mental list of things that they certainly don't want in the next relationship (whatever sort it may be).
And people have the opposite too, the things that did work, the things that do make them happy, the things that they do want to find... and see you're almost there already (at least for relationships) on a path to finding what you want.
So, why is it important? I've found, as an available woman dating on OkCupid, that people are attracted to others who know what they want, who have that added degree of certainty about themselves, and who appear confident because they've decided things about themselves, their desires and to some extent how they fit in the world.
Which is not to say that I know everything about what I want, but I know a lot. I know a lot about what I want from relationships, I have a fair idea what I want from potential employers when I finish my degree and start looking for work, I have a fair idea about how I want to interact with people and how I would prefer people to see me.
Why is this important, and what does it have to do with polyamory? Figuring out exactly what I wanted has taken me quite some time to figure out, and evolves as I personally grow and change. What I think I may want today will gradually crystallise over time and may be quite different in form in 5 years time.
But back to polyamory. If you don't know what you want, then it is very hard to ask that from one partner, let alone many. In my shoes certainly, polyamory has taught me that to get what I want and need I not only need to be confident enough to ask and/or take it, but that I need to know what it is. Monogamy gave me greater freedom to be slack. I could poke and prod James from time to time and he'd figure out what I wanted and I'd be happy with that.
Add additional partners and the resorting of how your world works (in your head) and suddenly
there were a lot of different parameters for me to consider. James knew me thoroughly - he understood me and could answer my needs before I knew they existed (and yes, I do know how blessed I am to have such a wonderful relationship). A new partner required me to start verbalising some of my wants and needs.
My former partner expressed his frustration with me in relation to people who didn't know what they wanted, and I didn't understand him as well as I do now (and not even he really knew what he wanted). Doing someone else's thinking for them, second guessing them and constantly trying to read between the lines is hard and tiring work.
Of course most of this goes back to communication between you and your partner, but to communicate what you want and need, you need to know what those things are. Of course, this holds true for monogamous relationships as well as polyamorous ones.
In summary, knowing what you want makes you more confident and means that you can start attempting to source those things. You can start talking to people who are close to you and ask for their help in attaining those goals, personal development and experiences. For me, knowing what I want has meant that not only am I more confident, but I'm also much happier as I'm getting what I want and need.
The more you know about what you want from life, the happier and more centred you will be.
This is why it is important to sit down and think about what you want, and one of the best ways in starting that process is looking at what you don't want in your life. Everyone has some idea about the things that make them unhappy, the things that haven't worked in other relationships and typically have a mental list of things that they certainly don't want in the next relationship (whatever sort it may be).
And people have the opposite too, the things that did work, the things that do make them happy, the things that they do want to find... and see you're almost there already (at least for relationships) on a path to finding what you want.
So, why is it important? I've found, as an available woman dating on OkCupid, that people are attracted to others who know what they want, who have that added degree of certainty about themselves, and who appear confident because they've decided things about themselves, their desires and to some extent how they fit in the world.
Which is not to say that I know everything about what I want, but I know a lot. I know a lot about what I want from relationships, I have a fair idea what I want from potential employers when I finish my degree and start looking for work, I have a fair idea about how I want to interact with people and how I would prefer people to see me.
Why is this important, and what does it have to do with polyamory? Figuring out exactly what I wanted has taken me quite some time to figure out, and evolves as I personally grow and change. What I think I may want today will gradually crystallise over time and may be quite different in form in 5 years time.
But back to polyamory. If you don't know what you want, then it is very hard to ask that from one partner, let alone many. In my shoes certainly, polyamory has taught me that to get what I want and need I not only need to be confident enough to ask and/or take it, but that I need to know what it is. Monogamy gave me greater freedom to be slack. I could poke and prod James from time to time and he'd figure out what I wanted and I'd be happy with that.
Add additional partners and the resorting of how your world works (in your head) and suddenly
there were a lot of different parameters for me to consider. James knew me thoroughly - he understood me and could answer my needs before I knew they existed (and yes, I do know how blessed I am to have such a wonderful relationship). A new partner required me to start verbalising some of my wants and needs.
My former partner expressed his frustration with me in relation to people who didn't know what they wanted, and I didn't understand him as well as I do now (and not even he really knew what he wanted). Doing someone else's thinking for them, second guessing them and constantly trying to read between the lines is hard and tiring work.
Of course most of this goes back to communication between you and your partner, but to communicate what you want and need, you need to know what those things are. Of course, this holds true for monogamous relationships as well as polyamorous ones.
In summary, knowing what you want makes you more confident and means that you can start attempting to source those things. You can start talking to people who are close to you and ask for their help in attaining those goals, personal development and experiences. For me, knowing what I want has meant that not only am I more confident, but I'm also much happier as I'm getting what I want and need.
23 May 2008
Madonna vs Whore dichotomy (sex positivity)
I have read, recently, a wide number of articles (like these) and commentary about the whole Madonna versus Whore dichotomy that women are expected to adhere to... Some of this has been in the Australian media and the rest various posts and articles from the US.
Firstly, I think the standards that women, and people, are expected to maintain in the US are different from Australia. The US is a lot more conservative sexually (publicly) than Australia. Nipplegate caused a furore in the US, and was laughed at in Australia. We're somewhat more permissive here, and that makes my life SO much easier.
But anyway... with "personalities" such as Sam Newman in Australia degrading women and causing this reaction its evident that there are still double standards for women even in Australia. Catherine Deveny wrote about how wrong it is that women are expected to stay silent about issues or be labelled hysterical, in relation to the Sam Newman issue.
It's an ongoing issue and one that women play into themselves. How often have you heard one woman refer to another as a "slut" in a manner that is degrading? In my experience, women are crueler to other women than men. I don't know why this is and it upsets me every time I run into it, but it happens all the same. Perhaps for this reason I opted out of female and into the grey space between genders. I didn't wan to be a woman if it required acting like that and playing those games, and I'm not a man... so I'm me.
But back to topic, women have two roles to play... the Madonna - the good girl, virtuous, well behaved, willing to put up with crap and smile... or the Whore - the bad girl, sexy, asking for it (in all senses of the phrase), willing to tell others to get lost....
The articles and commentary talk about how men want a whore in the bedroom but want to be married to the Madonna.... they expect women to act at both ends of the spectrum simultaneously. The boys like the girls at the pub who drink, sleep around and have fun, but they won't marry them...
All of this is a huge load of crap of course. Men and women who expect such insane behaviour should be taken outside, shaken and given a stern talking to. I'm not a student of anthropology or the human condition, other than what I've seen through life, so I can't give an answer as to why this happens... but I have my suspicions.
The biggest is religion. There are very few mainstream religions that are sex positive. Since most societal norms, in my experience, stem from religion our culture isn't overly sex positive and has certain expectations of women. These expectations have, over time and especially recently, been eroded... women now work, allegedly earn as much as a man and are considered full human beings able to participate fully in society... well in Western society anyway.
So... what, you ask, does this have to do with polyamory? What does Western society call women who have multiple partners? That's right... we're sluts... and we revel in it. There are polyamorous people who struggle with what other people will think, who try to be the good girl on the outside, even I'm guilty of that with certain people I know won't cope with the real me, but generally we (regardless of gender and orientation) take joy in being different, in being sex positive, of knowing what we want, knowing where we can find it and demanding that we be accepted for who we are.
Sex is a good thing - its not the core of polyamory, but certainly is a nice perk - and pretending that you don't like sex because good girls don't is just insane. If you genuinely don't like sex... then that's your deal... but if you like sex, say so. Stop pandering to the societal norms that don't make sense and start being the entire you.
Love who you are, love the things you enjoy, be proud that you are a sexual being, sensual and aware of the effect you have on others. All these things will lead to much greater happiness than trying to fit societal expectations.
Firstly, I think the standards that women, and people, are expected to maintain in the US are different from Australia. The US is a lot more conservative sexually (publicly) than Australia. Nipplegate caused a furore in the US, and was laughed at in Australia. We're somewhat more permissive here, and that makes my life SO much easier.
But anyway... with "personalities" such as Sam Newman in Australia degrading women and causing this reaction its evident that there are still double standards for women even in Australia. Catherine Deveny wrote about how wrong it is that women are expected to stay silent about issues or be labelled hysterical, in relation to the Sam Newman issue.
It's an ongoing issue and one that women play into themselves. How often have you heard one woman refer to another as a "slut" in a manner that is degrading? In my experience, women are crueler to other women than men. I don't know why this is and it upsets me every time I run into it, but it happens all the same. Perhaps for this reason I opted out of female and into the grey space between genders. I didn't wan to be a woman if it required acting like that and playing those games, and I'm not a man... so I'm me.
But back to topic, women have two roles to play... the Madonna - the good girl, virtuous, well behaved, willing to put up with crap and smile... or the Whore - the bad girl, sexy, asking for it (in all senses of the phrase), willing to tell others to get lost....
The articles and commentary talk about how men want a whore in the bedroom but want to be married to the Madonna.... they expect women to act at both ends of the spectrum simultaneously. The boys like the girls at the pub who drink, sleep around and have fun, but they won't marry them...
All of this is a huge load of crap of course. Men and women who expect such insane behaviour should be taken outside, shaken and given a stern talking to. I'm not a student of anthropology or the human condition, other than what I've seen through life, so I can't give an answer as to why this happens... but I have my suspicions.
The biggest is religion. There are very few mainstream religions that are sex positive. Since most societal norms, in my experience, stem from religion our culture isn't overly sex positive and has certain expectations of women. These expectations have, over time and especially recently, been eroded... women now work, allegedly earn as much as a man and are considered full human beings able to participate fully in society... well in Western society anyway.
So... what, you ask, does this have to do with polyamory? What does Western society call women who have multiple partners? That's right... we're sluts... and we revel in it. There are polyamorous people who struggle with what other people will think, who try to be the good girl on the outside, even I'm guilty of that with certain people I know won't cope with the real me, but generally we (regardless of gender and orientation) take joy in being different, in being sex positive, of knowing what we want, knowing where we can find it and demanding that we be accepted for who we are.
Sex is a good thing - its not the core of polyamory, but certainly is a nice perk - and pretending that you don't like sex because good girls don't is just insane. If you genuinely don't like sex... then that's your deal... but if you like sex, say so. Stop pandering to the societal norms that don't make sense and start being the entire you.
Love who you are, love the things you enjoy, be proud that you are a sexual being, sensual and aware of the effect you have on others. All these things will lead to much greater happiness than trying to fit societal expectations.
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